My Truth Story
I was born on December 29, 1985 at 8:17pm into the arms of a mother that loved me with all her heart and still does to this day. I am the oldest of three girls that my mom so beautiful birthed. Kimmy and Jilly, I love you! Momma, I love you! I want to express my gratitude for the family which I grew up in. It had its challenges and hardships but it has shaped me into the woman I am today and I have no regrets about that.
I grew up in Regina, Saskatchewan and for the most part, I had a splendid childhood. I was always a bit of an awkward kid…or at least I felt that way on the inside, but nonetheless I had some amazing friends and we had the best times together. My family life seemed pretty stable and I had a roof over my head and healthy food in the fridge always (thanks momma!). I excelled in school and took up basketball as a sport and did really well in that. I loved to play and giggle and dance and run and sing. Looking back on it, it seems almost magical. But something shifted as I reached late childhood. First off, my body started changing very early on as I started to grow into myself as a woman and it made me stand out from others. I remember very clearly one day in fourth grade during health class where we had to weigh ourselves in on the scale and the teacher announced our weight in front of the whole class. I weighed more than the other girls and that immediately got the attention of my other classmates as they chuckled about my weight. I wanted to be so small I could disappear into thin air at that moment. I put on a tough front and acted like it didn’t bother me but secretly it made me incredibly insecure and judgmental of myself. One day I came back from the bathroom and found a pink eraser in my desk that said “fat pig” on it. I crumpled inside. I went home and cried so hard that night and from that moment on I developed body image issues that continued to stay with me through my teenage years and adult life. I became anorexic for a small period of time, eating hardly anything and physically pushing my body beyond its limits. It made me more obsessed with food and so when I did start eating more again, I developed bulimia and the act of binge eating and purging became a regular daily occurrence.
Second, there was some physical and emotional abuse that I experienced in late childhood/early teen years from my father. It wasn’t hella bad but it wasn’t good either. There was trauma that occurred as a result and it definitely left emotional scars that I have spent a lot of time and energy working through. Life got pretty depressing during that time and I tried cutting myself to relieve the emotional pain I was going through. At one point, it got so bad that I planned to take my own life at probably the age of 14, and while I could not go through with it, I fantasized about it all the time. I just wanted to feel accepted and loved but instead I felt disconnected, rejected and not good enough. I hated myself and I was full of fear.
Highschool was hard to say the least. Friends turned out to be frienemies and boys tried using me for sex and were sometimes successful. I put up guards as I tried to play the cool girl but inside I was dying. Then came the drugs. Oh the glorious relief from life that I needed so hard came at the perfect time! I started going to raves and doing ecstasy and my heart started opening again. I met people who were in the same boat as me and I connected to a beautiful new group of people, some of which I still consider my closest friends today. It was an interesting last couple years of highschool as I navigated a double life. Scholar on weekdays and party raver on weekends. There were more dark times but also a lot of light and love. I did a lot of drugs, felt a lot of things and released a lot of fears. I no longer felt like everyone was out to get me and I embraced the lessons that came through during that time. As grade 12 came to an end, I felt a sense of relief and decided to let go of the drugs as I know longer felt I needed them to feel free. I was free! Free from highschool hell haha.
On to the next phase….University….or so I thought. I enrolled in my first semester and realized that I needed to leave Regina and go as far away as I could. I was working two jobs and saving a lot of money and so I decided to take off across the world on a Fiji/New Zealand/Australia adventure. This was a beautiful escape and it was filled with a whole other lot of lessons, challenges and good times. I grew so much during that year and became independent AF. I never wanted to return but alas I missed my family and friends and was convinced that I needed to return to University to complete a degree of some kind. And so I did all that. Regina held some more lessons in love, relationships, friendships and life. I connected authentically to some beautiful people whom I still hold very highly in my heart with lots of love and always will. I had some beautiful relationships with some incredible men that did not end up working out and while some of it was painful, I realize that it all happened the way it was supposed to. Life was going good until about the age of 27 when I started to become numb to life again. Thoughts like “what is this all for” and “what is the point” kept creeping up on me and I started to fall into a depression again. This time I used alcohol as the crutch. I was drinking more heavily than I normally did and I was already someone that drank quite a lot in my social life. I was in a new relationship, still not feeling worthy and definitely not that happy. I knew I needed to make a change. One day I decided to buy a Groupon for a yoga pass and started going Tina Hnatiuk’s classes. I hated it at first. It felt like torture as my body was stiff and unwilling to open and my mind was much too chaotic to enjoy any part of savasana. It challenged me in so many ways but I kept coming back to it. I kept heading down the yoga path or somewhere close to it and eventually was guided to apply for a 200 hour training with Megan Currie.
At this point, I was still in a relationship with a good friend I grew to love. We had our challenges but for the most part it seemed to be working..or so I thought. We bought a pretty little house in Regina and headed in that direction of “being together forever”. After almost 4 years of good times and not so good times, things got super rocky and the relationship came to a stand still right before I left for my 200 hour in Nicaragua. I spent the next month balling my eyes out in a total mess after almost every class. It broke me. It broke me wide open and made me face what I didn’t want to look at which was myself, my hurt, my pain, my unhappiness and my worth, or lack thereof. This experience changed the course of my life. I grew tenfold within that month and upon my return to Regina, I parted ways in that relationship indefinitely. It was hard but I knew I couldn’t fake my happiness anymore. My eyes and heart had been opened to who I was and what I needed…even if I didn’t quite know what that was yet. At the very least, I started the process of elimination of knowing what I don’t want. So there I was at thirty years old, letting go of my whole belief system of how life '“should” be and embracing the terrifying feeling of breaking free from these notions. One word: Freedom.
Shortly after my life turned upside down, I felt the need to escape Regina again and so I decided to solo trip it through Central America, starting off in Sayulita, Mexico at a Women Empowerment Yoga Retreat and then landing in Nicaragua with no plan other than to go where the Universe decided to take me. I had never done anything like this before as I was always a planner and, true to that character, I tried to plan many things during this time but none of it worked out so I threw in the towel and for the first time, I legit went with the flow. My travels were incredible as I made my way down through Nicaragua and Costa Rica, all the way to Panama. I met some amazing people along the way who took care of me and treated me like family and I am forever grateful for that. Then one day I had a calling to go back to Nicaragua and so I headed off in that direction. I landed a yoga teaching job at Rancho Santana en route back to the country and ended up in one of the most beautiful places I have ever been. This was partially due to the epic landscape and sunsets but also due to the beautiful people. I found a tribe of women who were strong, intelligent and beautiful warriors and I connected with them on a deep level. Nica had its own lessons and challenges but I reminisce on the radiant beauty of it all and the femininity it brought forth in me.
As it goes though, nothing lasts forever. Life in Nicaragua grew tougher toward the end of my time there as big changes started occurring and the country endured its own struggles of oppression. I felt it was time to move on and I wanted nothing more than to be close to at least one of my sisters again. So I packed up and moved back to Canada where I ended up living in Whistler, BC thanks to Wanderlust Festival and one of my dear friends whom I met in Nicaragua.
Whistler. Whoa, this one hit me like a ton of bricks. I had no idea what was in store for me here but it was a lot and it was the heavy shit. It was time to turn inward again and do some serious shadow work. Looking back on this past year, I am so happy I survived the way I did. I feel I came out on top when it could have easily gone in the other direction. I accomplished what I came here to do before I even knew what that was. I completed my 300 hour yoga training with Kula Collective tribe in Guatemala. I also became somewhat addicted to drugs and alcohol and overcame this as I accepted the fact that I used them as an escape mechanism. I then had a calling to head down south to meet Mother Ayahuasca in the jungle and work and play with her. I was working through the end of a cycle in my life and there was a lot of rubble to crawl through. I feel like I am through the worst of it and can see the light again. I will be forever grateful for this place and for the people I have met here. It has showed me a whole new level of love and appreciation for myself, nature and the importance of having a tribe…something I did not have here like I did in Nica (although part of the Nica tribe came to visit and I was bursting with love the whole time!)
After just over one year of both regression and progression in my growth process, my time here in Whistler is coming to an end. Thirty three years on this Earth and in this body, countless lessons, lots of pain, so much love and I’m embracing it all as I continue on my healing journey as a healer. This my truth story and while it doesn’t end here, it is healing in its own way to go back in time and reflect on how I got to who and where I am today. And today, I love myself more than I ever have in my entire life and I have myself to thank for that as I have cleared the heart space for that love to emanate from. In the end though, it is just a story…it is not who I am but it is what has conditioned me into who I have become. And while I have come a far ways in my personal evolution, there are still many lessons in love and loss that I will encounter as I journey to the healing meccas of Peru and Bali. This is another trust trip where I truly need to let go and allow the Universe to have my back because this time I am not escaping, I am returning home….to love. I trust in the process and I go forth wild and free! Thank you God/dess, Universe, Family, Friends, Spirit Guides, Spirit Animals, Plant Spirits, Angels and All Beings of Light for your constant love and support! I could not do this life without you, nor would I want to.
“The process of opening is not an easy one, but it is necessary in order for one to shine their beautiful bright light in this world. Breathe, open, love. Trust, transform, transcend.”
– Nicole Krumenacker
YOU ARE THE MEDICINE. LIFE IS THE RITUAL.